My Junk Mail - Funny Jokes, Videos and Pictures

Tetris

2009-12-12T17:29:00.000-05:00

I only wish I was this good...

Traffic Camera

2009-12-09T07:00:00.000-05:00

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.

The Receptionist

2009-12-08T07:00:00.000-05:00

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mental Test

2009-12-07T07:00:00.000-05:00

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

This Is Just Funny

2009-12-06T07:00:00.001-05:00

Like I said, I really don't like posting too many political jokes and stuff, but some of the crap everyone sends me is just too funny not to post.

Happy Birthday To My Brother and I!!!

2009-12-05T07:00:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to announce that today my twin brother, Tony, and I have turned the big 34. Yes, life is slipping by at a fast pace, but we're still having fun!

Yeah...we were cute kids.

Just look at us now!

Happy Birthday Bro! I love ya and let's get together tonight for some beers!

If you get a chance, visit his sight www.ripsdomain.com and wish him a Happy Birthday!

Kinetic Rube Goldberg

2009-12-05T07:00:00.000-05:00

This is actually the coolest video I have seen in a long time.

Piano Stairs

2009-12-04T07:00:00.002-05:00

Priceless!

2009-12-04T07:00:00.001-05:00

Girl Scouts

2009-12-04T07:00:00.000-05:00

Swine Flu

2009-12-03T07:00:00.001-05:00

3 years ago, Chinese calendar; year of the cow .....Mad Cow disease.

2 years ago, Chinese calendar; year of the bird .....Avian flu.

This year, Chinese calendar; year of the pig .... swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock ..........Anybody else worried?

Where to put Obama's picture

2009-12-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

98 And No Enemies

2009-12-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '

I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '

'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches. '

Senior Health Care Solution

2009-11-30T07:00:00.000-05:00

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?

My plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives, preferably Democrats, but several Republicans have also been singled out. Of course, this means you will be sent to prison, where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need. New teeth? No problem. Need glasses? Done. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

Rejected Fatalities - Mortal Kombat

2009-11-29T07:00:00.000-05:00

Great Card Trick

2009-11-28T12:38:00.000-05:00

Bubba's Resimay

2009-11-27T07:00:00.003-05:00

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:

Dear Bubba:

It's O K, Honey. We've got spell check.

See you Monday.

CANSTRUCTION

2009-11-27T07:00:00.001-05:00

Architects and engineers compete to see whose team can build the most spectacular structure using little more than cans of food at 'Canstruction,' the 13th annual NYC Design and Build competition in New York.

All these cans will go to the food bank afterwards.

Scroll down and enjoy

Buy or Lease...

2009-11-27T07:00:00.000-05:00

Purchasing

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

This is Heather..

Looks a little like Dick Cheney with a wig

Leasing

On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

This is Kristen.

Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a $41.7 million savings).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, no bitching and complaining or 'honey-do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when asked. All at 1/7th the cost, and no legal fees.

Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.

Happy Turkey Day!

2009-11-26T10:12:00.001-05:00

Wishing you and your families a Happy Thanksgiving!

Sincerely,

Charles
My Junk Mail Blogger

THE ULTIMATE ADVENTURE CRUISE

2009-11-26T07:00:00.000-05:00

To The Point is excited to offer the ultimate adventure cruise along the pirate-infested coast of Somalia !

We board our luxury cruise ship in Djibouti on the Gulf of Aden near the entrance to the Red Sea, and disembark in Mombassa , Kenya seven adrenaline-charged days later.

Starting at $5,200 per-person (double occupancy, inside room) and $6,900 (veranda complete with bench rest), you'll relax like never before.

That's because you are welcome to bring your own arsenal with you. If you don't have your own weapons, you can rent them from our onboard Master Gunsmith. Enjoy reloading parties every afternoon with skeet and marksmanship competitions every night!

But the best fun of all, of course, is Pirate Target Practice.

For the object of the cruise is to sail up and down the Somali Coast waiting to get hijacked by pirates. The weapons rental costs are as follows.

Rent a full auto M-16 for only $25/day with ammo attractively priced at $16 per 100 rounds of 5.56 armor-piercing:

On a budget? Rent a full-auto scope-mounted AK-47 for only $9/day with 7.62 ball ammo at $12 per 100 rounds:

Hello! Nothing gets a pirate's attention like a Barrett M-107 50-cal sniper rifle; only $59/day with 25 rounds of armor-piercing ammo affordably priced at only $29.95.

Need a spotter? Our professional crew members can double as spotters for only $30/hour (spotting scope included, but gratuities are not.)

Want to make a real impact? Rent an RPG for only $175/day with three fragmentation rounds included!

Also included: Free complimentary night vision equipment - and throughout the night, coffee, pastries and snacks are always available on the main deck from 7pm until 6am.

Our deluxe package comes complete with gourmet meals and all rooms offer a mini-bar.

But that's not all! Twin mounted miniguns are available for rental at only $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire!

We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or you'll receive an instant $1,000 refund upon arrival in Mombassa.

How can we make that guarantee? We operate at 5 knots just beyond 12 nautical miles off the coast of Somalia , thus in international waters where pirates have no rights whatever. In fact, we make three passes through the area's most treacherous waters to ensure maximum visibility by Somali "mother ships".

We repeat this for five days, making three complete passes past the entire Somali Coast . At night, the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot every five minutes with loud disco music directionally beamed shoreside to attract maximum attention.

Testimonials from previous participants in the Somali Cruise:

"Six attacks in 4 days were more than I expected. I bagged three pirates, my wife nailed two, and my 12-year old son sank two boats with the mini-gun. This wonderful cruise was fun for the whole family" -- Fred D., Cincinnati , OH

"Pirates 0, Passengers 32! Well worth the trip! Can't recommend it highly enough!" -- Ben L., Bethesda , MD

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in ' Nam . Don't worry about getting shot by pirates.... they never even got close to the ship with the crap they shoot and their lousy aim... reminds me of a drunken juicer door-gunner we picked up from the motor pool in Phu Bai!" -- Dan J. - Denver , CO

Come on board and bag your own clutch of genuine Somali pirates! But cabin space is limited so you need to respond quickly. Reserve your package before October 31st and get a great bonus - 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice. So sign up for the Ultimate Somali Coast Adventure Cruise now

The Human Body

2009-11-25T07:00:00.000-05:00

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs...

What A Coincidence!

2009-11-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Redneck Carnival Ride

2009-11-23T07:00:00.000-05:00

Harness: $25.00
Bunge cord: $100.00
Stain remover for 'skid marks in your shorts: $3.00
Ride of your life: Priceless

Quickies...

2009-11-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dys lexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know, I amputated your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said. 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made hi m (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Teacher Bitch-Slaps Student

2009-11-21T07:00:00.000-05:00

Roller Babies

2009-11-20T13:21:00.000-05:00

Bob and The Blonde

2009-11-20T07:00:00.001-05:00

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

Smarter than a 1st Grader

2009-11-20T07:00:00.000-05:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

2009-11-19T07:00:00.000-05:00

(This could only happen with an Italian kid...)

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Maria Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her...'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you. '

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.

Great News!

2009-11-18T07:00:00.001-05:00

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.

Two Gay Men

2009-11-18T07:00:00.000-05:00

Two Gay men decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?", one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies; and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse says: "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!"

The World's Most Expensive Disaters

2009-11-17T07:00:00.001-05:00

#11 Titanic - $150 Million
The sinking of the Titanic is possibly the most famous accident in the world. But it barely makes our list of top 10 most expensive. On April 15, 1912, the Titanic sank on its maiden voyage and was considered to be the most luxurious ocean liner ever built. Over 1,500 people lost their lives when the ship ran into an iceberg and sunk in frigid waters. The ship cost $7 million to build ($150 million in today 's dollars).

#10 Tanker Truck vs Bridge - $358 Million
On August 26, 2004, a car collided with a tanker truck containing 32,000 liters of fuel on the Wiehltal Bridge in Germany. The tanker crashed through the guardrail and fell 90 feet off the A4 Autobahn resulting in a huge explosion and fire which destroyed the load-bearing ability of the bridge. Temporary repairs cost $40 million and the cost to replace the bridge is estimated at $318 Million.

#9 MetroLink Crash - $500 MillionOn September 12, 2008, in what was one of the worst train crashes in California history, 25 people were killed when a Metrolink commuter train crashed head-on into a Union Pacific freight train in Los Angeles . It is thought that the Metrolink train may have run through a red signal while the conductor was busy text messaging.. Wrongful death lawsuits are expected to cause $500 million in losses for Metrolink.

#8 B-2 Bomber Crash - $1.4 Billion
Here we have our first billion dollar accident (and we're only #7 on the list). This B-2 stealth bomber crashed shortly after taking off from an air base in Guam on February 23, 2008. Investigators blamed distorted data in the flight control computers caused by moisture in the system. This resulted in the aircraft making a sudden nose-up move which made the B-2 stall and crash. This was 1 of only 21 ever built and was the most expensive aviation accident in history. Both pilots were able to eject to safety.

#7 Exxon Valdez - $2.5 Billion
The Exxon Valdez oil spill was not a large one in relation to the world ' s biggest oil spills, but it was a costly one due to the remote location of Prince William Sound (accessible only by helicopter and boat). On March 24, 1989, 10.8 million gallons of oil was spilled when the ship ' s master, Joseph Hazelwood, left the controls and the ship crashed into a Reef. The cleanup cost Exxon $2.5 billion.

#6 Piper Alpha Oil Rig - $3.4 BillionThe world's worst off-shore oil disaster. At one time, it was the world's single largest oil producer, spewing out 317,000 barrels of oil per day. On July 6, 1988, as part of routine maintenance, technicians removed and checked safety valves which were essential in preventing dangerous build-up of liquid gas. There were 100 identical safety valves which were checked. Unfortunately, the technicians made a mistake and forgot to replace one of them. At 10 PM that same night, a technician pressed a start button for the liquid gas pumps and the world's most expensive oil rig accident was set in motion. Within 2 hours, the 300 foot platform was engulfed in flames. It eventually collapsed, killing 167 workers and resulting in $3.4 Billion in damages.

#5 Challenger Explosion - $5.5 Billion
The Space Shuttle Challenger was destroyed 73 seconds after takeoff due on January 28, 1986 due to a faulty O-ring. It failed to seal one of the joints, allowing pressurized gas to reach the outside. This in turn caused the external tank to dump its payload of liquid hydrogen causing a massive explosion. The cost of replacing the Space Shuttle was $2 billion in 1986 ($4.5 billion in today's dollars). The cost of investigation, problem correction, and replacement of lost equipment cost $450 million from 1986-1987 ($1 Billion in today's dollars).

#4 Prestige Oil Spill - $12 BillionOn November 13, 2002, the Prestige oil tanker was carrying 77,000 tons of heavy fuel oil when one of its twelve tanks burst during a storm off Galicia , Spain .. Fearing that the ship would sink, the captain called for help from Spanish rescue workers, expecting them to take the ship into harbour. However, pressure from local authorities forced the captain to steer the ship away from the coast. The captain tried to get help from the French and Portuguese authorities, but they too ordered the ship away from their shores. The storm eventually took its toll on the ship resulting in the tanker splitting in half and releasing 20 million gallons oil into the sea. According to a report by the Pontevedra Economist Board, the total cleanup cost $12 billion.

#3 Space Shuttle Columbia - $13 Billion
The Space Shuttle Columbia was the first space worthy shuttle in NASA's orbital fleet. It was destroyed during re-entry over Texas on February 1, 2003 after a hole was punctured in one of the wings during launch 16 days earlier. The original cost of the shuttle was $2 Billion in 1978. That comes out to $6.3 Billion in today's dollars. $500 million was spent on the investigation, making it the costliest aircraft accident investigation in history. The search and recovery of debris cost $300 million. In the end, the total cost of the accident (not including replacement of the shuttle) came out to $13 Billion according to the American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics..

#2 Chernobyl - $200 Billion
On April 26, 1986, the world witnessed the costliest accident in history. The Chernobyl disaster has been called the biggest socio-economic catastrophe in peacetime history. 50% of the area ofUkraine is in some way contaminated. Over 200,000 people had to be evacuated and resettled while 1.7 million people were directly affected by the disaster. The death toll attributed to Chernobyl , including people who died from cancer years later, is estimated at 125,000. The total costs including cleanup, resettlement, and compensation to victims has been estimated to be roughly $200 Billion. The cost of a new steel shelter for the Chernobyl nuclear plant will cost $2 billion alone. The accident was officially attributed to power plant operators who violated plant procedures and were ignorant of the safety requirements needed.

#1 Electing Obama President - $800 Billion in the first two months..... (and counting)

New Bra

2009-11-16T07:00:00.000-05:00

Dr.Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and also prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him....

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

2009-11-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever..
I've been a good man to you for 27 years & I have nothing to show for
it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home
& didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
& even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, &
went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't want
sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm
gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla & I are moving away to West
Virginia together!
Have a great life!

Her letter...

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you &
I have been married for 27 years, although a good man is a far cry from
what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when
you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say
anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.. And when you
cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2
tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling
life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures
you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Martha Stewart vs. Old Lady

2009-11-14T07:00:00.000-05:00

Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Old Lady: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!

Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Old Lady: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha Stewart: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake..

Old Lady: Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

Martha Stewart: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

Old Lady: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Martha Stewart: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Old Lady: Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Old Lady: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't

Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Old Lady: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Old Lady: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha Stewart:Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Old Lady: Leftover wine? HELLO!!!

What Do You Think?

2009-11-13T07:00:00.002-05:00

IN THE PICTURES BELOW, YOU CAN SEE THESE PEOPLE ALL HAVE A SIMILAR EXPRESSION ON THIER FACES THEY SEEM TO BE IN A VERY PRIVATE, PERSONNAL MOMENT. CAN YOU DETERMINE THE CAUSE / REASON FOR THESE EXPRESSIONS! TAKE YOUR TIME THE CORRECT ANSWER CAN BE FOUND BELOW

THEY ARE ALL ABOUT TO SNEEZE!

I MUST ADMIT THOUGH...I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK!

Deer Gets Shot While Mating

2009-11-13T07:00:00.001-05:00

Dude...he was trying to get some.

Big Gator

2009-11-13T07:00:00.000-05:00

This picture was taken by a Lifeflight helicopter flying over Lake Istapoka, (For those of you who are not local, Lake Istapoka is near Sebring, Fl.) That has to be a HUGE gator to have a whole deer in its mouth! ?Are you ready to go fishing on Lake Istapoka ?! If you ski -- try not to fall.

The alligator was found between Lake Istapoka and Pinedale estates... near a house ,
Game Wardens were forced to shoot the alligator- guess he wouldn't cooperate

Jayne and Don Hobkirk could hear the bellowing in the night. Their neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a mammoth alligator in the Lake that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as being exaggerations.

"I didn't believe it," Don Hobkirk said.

Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated.

Florida Game and Parks game wardens had to shoot the beast...

Joe Goff, 6' 5" tall, a game warden with the Florida Game and Parks Commission, walks past the 23-foot, one inch alligator that he shot and killed in the back yard of Jayne & Don Hobkirk...

Fat Kid Beer Stand

2009-11-12T07:00:00.000-05:00

Words By Larry - The Cable Guy

2009-11-11T07:00:00.000-05:00

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now..
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Getting Old Sucks

2009-11-10T07:00:00.004-05:00

Crazy Wedding Photos Part 2

2009-11-09T07:00:00.000-05:00

Here are more crazy wedding photos. Click the link to download the PowerPoint Presentation. The file was checked for viruses and there are none.

http://www.box.net/shared/u7r1payei7

Cut Your Damn Hair

2009-11-08T07:00:00.000-05:00

Seriously...WTF!

How to Get A Man To Wash His Hands

2009-11-07T07:00:00.000-05:00

Priceless. I would love to know where this restaurant is.

What's On The Other Side

2009-11-06T07:00:00.002-05:00

Funny Signs

2009-11-06T07:00:00.001-05:00

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels." (read it again)
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Swallows

2009-11-06T07:00:00.000-05:00

Here his mate is injured and the condition is fatal. She was hit by a car as she swooped low across the road.

Here he brought her food and attended to her with love and compassion.

He brought her food again but was shocked to find her dead. He tried to move her...a rarely-seen effort for swallows!

Aware that his sweetheart is dead and will never come back to him again, he cries with adoring love.

He stood beside her, saddened of her death.

Finally aware she would never return to him, he stood beside her body with sadness and sorrow.

Millions of people cried after seeing these photos in America and Europe and even India.

The photographer sold these pictures for a nominal fee to the most famous newspaper in France

All copies of that edition were sold out on the day these pictures were published.

And many people think animals don't have a brain or feelings?

All Women Crew

2009-11-05T07:00:00.000-05:00

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the GI’s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan .”

An old Master Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?

When the attendant came by, he said, “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?” “Yes!” said the attendant. “In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“My God,” he said, “I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.”

“That's another thing, Sergeant,” said the crew member. “We No Longer Call It The Cockpit.”

“It's The Box Office.”

How To Get To Heaven

2009-11-04T07:00:00.000-05:00

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out:

"YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

We Didn't Start The Flame Wars!

2009-11-03T07:00:00.000-05:00

Can't post the video here since embed was disabled, but click the link to view. Funny video. Possibly NSFW.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QyYaPWasos

How Twins Are Made

2009-11-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

2009-11-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the Monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, Father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was...CELEBRATE!"

Halloween Videos

2009-10-31T07:00:00.002-04:00

Here are a collection of some great pranks and scares.

There some bad language in this next one.

And now for the best scare prank ever. This kid's sister is scared to death of aliens and, well...just see what happens.

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T07:00:00.001-04:00

Hopefully, you won't eat too much candy or you'll turn into a pumpkin. I'm serious. Look what happened to this poor women...

It's ScamWOW!

2009-10-30T07:00:00.002-04:00

Johnny Carson & Dom DeLuise Egg Trick

2009-10-30T07:00:00.001-04:00

Cat vs. Printer

2009-10-30T07:00:00.000-04:00

Can't Get This Printer To Work

2009-10-29T07:00:00.000-04:00

The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

2009-10-28T07:00:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time there were three little pigs - the straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in. The wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulled up.

Out stepped two massive pigs in pin-striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek.. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs.”

Lesson For Today

2009-10-27T07:00:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you can reach too far!

And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember...

Not everyone who shows up...Is there to help you!!!

Letter To Seniors

2009-10-26T07:00:00.000-04:00

Common Sense Obituary

2009-10-25T07:00:00.000-04:00

An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Redneck Fire Alarm

2009-10-24T07:00:00.000-04:00

Why Middle Aged Women Should Stay Home

2009-10-23T07:00:00.004-04:00

Rain Choir

2009-10-23T07:00:00.003-04:00

What Pets Write In Their Diaries

2009-10-23T07:00:00.002-04:00

Excerpt from a Dog's Diary...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

Old People Are Great

2009-10-22T07:00:00.000-04:00

Jewish Jokes (Don't get mad at me. I just post what people email me)

2009-10-21T07:00:00.000-04:00

THINGS YOU DON"T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

6. You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.

9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

12. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.

14. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.

15. Always whisper the names of diseases.

16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.

18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida .

SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS:

1. Under same management for over 5,769 years.

2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

4 . Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

JEWISH JOKES

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?, "the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?,"Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living...."

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter. "

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?

Cute Dog

2009-10-20T07:00:00.000-04:00

"I was thirsty, too".

The Brain

2009-10-19T07:00:00.000-04:00

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Basic Instinct Uncut Sex Scene (NSFW)

2009-10-18T19:00:00.000-04:00

WARNING: This uncut scene is actual footage of Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone having wild sex, so don’t click on the link if this is offensive to you. On the other hand, no one but you would know.

http://bassi.magnify.net/video/Sharon-Stone-Basic-Instinct-u

Socialism Explained

2009-10-17T07:00:00.000-04:00

Wonderful example, Pass it on!

If somebody is unable to understand THIS explanation, I have serious doubts about their ability to even function in society, much less run our country!

As the late Adrian Rogers said, "you cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class.

--------------------------------------------

That class had insisted that socialism would work and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan".

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that.

Bubba Has A Question

2009-10-16T07:00:00.003-04:00

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'

'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.

'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'

'Sure is, Bubba.'

'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'

'Yep..'

'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'

'That's right,' said the lawyer. 'But why are you asking?'

'Well, I was thinkin...What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'

The 2 Questions Of Life

2009-10-16T07:00:00.002-04:00

Life really boils down to 2 questions...

1. Should I get a dog?

OR...

2. Should I have children?

Now that I made you smile, pass it on to someone else who needs a laugh today!

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you today. No matter what situations life throws at you...No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..

Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You're laughing aren't you?
That's good 'cause my job here is done!

Have a great day and remember to give thanks....

Cats are so dramatic!!

Sex Study

2009-10-16T07:00:00.000-04:00

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Sex After Surgery

2009-10-15T07:00:00.001-04:00

A surgeon went to check on his blond patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Toilet Paper Ad

2009-10-14T07:00:00.001-04:00

Who the hell dreams this stuff up? If this was in a restaurant, I'd never eat there again!

Eye/Brain Function Test

2009-10-13T07:00:00.000-04:00

Sit comfortably and be calm. This is a serious eye/brain function test.

Put your thinking process aside - i.e. put your brain in neutral gear.

1- Find the C below. Do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
6999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3- Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer. Congratulations!

Moms In Group Therapy

2009-10-12T07:00:00.001-04:00

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he is talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

Three Young Tenors

2009-10-11T07:00:00.000-04:00

These boys can really sing! Amazing!

New King Of Flower

2009-10-10T07:00:00.002-04:00

But do they bloom?
I wonder if they come in different colors?
I wonder about the fragrance?
I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water?
I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry?
I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen?
I wonder if they come in long-stemmed?

Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd. in Fishers ( Indianapolis ).. The sign is real and was up for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES!

The Girls of Thailand

2009-10-09T07:00:00.002-04:00

All of the following "Girls" are really BOYS! Careful when you go to Thailand !

Guess What The Picture Means

2009-10-09T07:00:00.001-04:00

These are pretty clever. Scroll slowly until you see just the picture, try to determine what it represents, and then look at the answers at the bottom of the post to see if you were right.

Here are the answers:

LIGHT BEER
CARD SHARK
ASSAULTED PEANUT
DOCTOR PEPPER
EGG PLANT
KNIGHT MARE
HOLE MILK
KING OF POP
TAP DANCERS
GATOR AIDE
A POOL TABLE
i-POD

Dog Loves Mother-In-Law

2009-10-09T07:00:00.000-04:00

Naming Your Boat

2009-10-08T07:00:00.001-04:00

That Was Not In The Travel Brochure

2009-10-07T07:00:00.000-04:00

The Only Flag That Doesn't Fly

2009-10-06T07:00:00.000-04:00

Between the fields where the flag is planted, there are 9+ miles of flower fields that go all the way to the ocean. The flowers are grown by seed companies. It's a beautiful place, close to Vandenberg AFB. Check out the dimensions of the flag. The Floral Flag is 740 feet long and 390 feet wide and maintains the proper Flag dimensions, as described in Executive Order #10834. This Flag is 6.65 acres and is the first Floral Flag to be planted with 5 pointed Stars, comprised of White Larkspur. Each Star is 24 feet in diameter; each Stripe is 30 feet wide. This Flag is estimated to contain more than 400,000 Larkspur plants, with 4-5 flower stems each, for a total of more than 2 million flowers.

They Said What??!!

2009-10-05T07:00:00.000-04:00

Keep This: If you're ever feeling dumb, just read it and you'll feel much better.

===========================================
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss America, Alabama's Heather Whitestone in the 1994 Miss USA contest .
===========================================
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
===========================================
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
===========================================
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
===========================================
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
===========================================
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
===========================================
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
===========================================
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
===========================================
'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix '
-- Dan Quayle while campaigning
===========================================
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
===========================================
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
===========================================
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
===========================================
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
===========================================
'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
===========================================
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
===========================================

Old Timer Sex

2009-10-04T07:00:00.001-04:00

The husband leans over and asks h is wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago the fence wasn't electric!

Economic Stimulus Payment Information

2009-10-03T07:00:00.000-04:00

Stimulus Payment Info

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

The Gift...

2009-10-02T07:00:00.002-04:00

...for all the difficult people in your life

Speed Control

2009-10-02T07:00:00.001-04:00

I don't know about you, but this would slow me down! People slow down and try to "straddle" the hole, then breathe a sigh of relief that they completely cleared it!

Isn't art wonderful!

Firemen's Revenge

2009-10-02T07:00:00.000-04:00

Senior Dress Code

2009-10-01T07:00:00.000-04:00

It is against the law for anyone over the age of 55 to wear Daisy Dukes.

A Child's Prayer

2009-09-30T07:00:00.000-04:00

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."

Elderly Couple Playing Piano

2009-09-29T07:00:00.000-04:00

An elderly couple walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic and spotted a piano, and you won't believe what happened next. They've been married for 62 years and he'll be 90 this year. Enjoy!!

Chuck Norris

2009-09-28T07:00:00.000-04:00

There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer, Chuck Norris is always in control.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

World's Scariest License Plate Number

2009-09-26T07:00:00.000-04:00