SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEARS ON THE COMPUTER...I NOW HAVE TO...

I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates / Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt

I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...