I only wish I was this good...
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The Receptionist
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Mental Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Sunday, December 6, 2009
This Is Just Funny
Like I said, I really don't like posting too many political jokes and stuff, but some of the crap everyone sends me is just too funny not to post.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Happy Birthday To My Brother and I!!!
Just wanted to announce that today my twin brother, Tony, and I have turned the big 34. Yes, life is slipping by at a fast pace, but we're still having fun!
Yeah...we were cute kids.
Just look at us now!
Happy Birthday Bro! I love ya and let's get together tonight for some beers!
If you get a chance, visit his sight www.ripsdomain.com and wish him a Happy Birthday!
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Swine Flu
3 years ago, Chinese calendar; year of the cow .....Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar; year of the bird .....Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar; year of the pig .... swine flu.
Next year is the year of the cock ..........Anybody else worried?
2 years ago, Chinese calendar; year of the bird .....Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar; year of the pig .... swine flu.
Next year is the year of the cock ..........Anybody else worried?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
98 And No Enemies
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '
I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '
'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches. '
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '
I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '
'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches. '