Top Ten "Old West" Phrases Which Will Never Be The Same After Brokerback Mountain (PICS)

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Little Johnny, Little Mary, a Nun and a #2 Pencil

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.

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Personality Test

This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper to
keep track of your letter answers to each question.

Begin...

1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning

b) during the afternoon &and early evening

c) late at night


2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps

b) fairly fast, with little steps

c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face

d) less fast, head down

e) very slowly


3. When talking to people you...

a) stand with your arms folded

b) have your hands clasped

c) have one or both your hands on your hips

d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking

e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair


4. When relaxing, you sit with...

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

b) your legs crossed

c) your legs stretched out or straight

d) one leg curled under you


5. When something really amuses you, you react with...

a) big appreciated laugh

b) a laugh, but not a loud one

c) a quiet chuckle

d) a sheepish smile


6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you

b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know

c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed


7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and
you're interrupted...

a) welcome the break

b) feel extremely irritated

c) vary between these two extremes


8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange

b) black

c) yellow or light blue

d) green

e) dark blue or purple

f) white

g) brown or gray


9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...

a) stretched out on your back

b) stretched out face down on your stomach

c) on your side, slightly curled

d) with your head on one arm

e) with your head under the covers


10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling

b) fighting or struggling

c) searching for something or somebody

d) flying or floating

e) you usually have dreamless sleep;

f) your dreams are always pleasant


POINTS:
The number next to the letter of your answer is the total amount of points you get for that question.

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10.(a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should 'handle with care.' You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it
takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you
a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs lookin g after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people e think you' re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

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Horrible Plane Accident (PICS)

(Special Thanks to Lory O. for sending me this junk mail. Send your to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

You might remember when this accident happened... March 5, 2000. On Southwest Airlines Flight 1455 from Vegas overshot the runway at Burbank. The plane crashed through the airport fence, careened across the street and ended up with a collapsed landing gear, right next to a gas station. But that's not the amazing part - Look at the picture below.

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Baptism Cannonball (VIDEO)

(Special Thanks to Fran M. for sending me this video. Send your junk mail to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

Watch the 2nd kid. You will laugh your butt off. I should have done this at my Baptism.

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Beijing Fast Food (PICS)

(Special Thanks to Tony P. for sending me this junk mail. Send yours to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

If you are planning on attending the Olympics, you might to consider the tasty, and strange, fast foods in Beijing. Ummmmmm...Tasty!

http://www.box.net/shared/bsbjy29wks

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Kids Are Funny (PICS)

(A special "Thank You" to Fran M. for sending me this junk mail. Send your to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

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NSFW: Rodney Carrington - Show Them To Me (VIDEO)

(Special Thank to Alan T. for sending me this video. Send me your junk mail! Send it to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

WARNING: Boobies ahead! Don't play at work.

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2,000 HP Drug-Running Boat (PICS)

(Special Thanks to Nick M. for sending me this junk mail. Send yours to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe...

This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard.

They were so astonished by the speed of the unknown craft, they brought in a special high speed helicopter to chase it. Drugs were found on board. Of course, you'd have to be on drugs to put the throttle down on this rig!

Click image to make bigger.

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Top 20 Worst Foods to Eat (PICS)

Here is a link to a PDF file (you need Adobe Acrobat Reader for this) which will tell you about the 20 worst foods (meals). Wait until you see how many calories are in a Quizno's Italian Sub.

Can you guess what is the worst food you can eat and which restaurant holds the honor? Click the link below to download the PDF file.

http://www.box.net/shared/vfnk2axsks

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El Camino Del Rey (VIDEO)

(A special "Thank You" to Fran M. for send me this video.)
I confess, I am scared of heights. Watch this beautiful video of this guy walking through this ruins. Wait until you see how high up he is and how he has to cross some paths. I swear my heart was in my throat.

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More Gas Price Joke Pics (PICS)

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New Use For Listerine

I was at a deck party awhile back, and the mosquitoes were having a ball biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared.

The next year I filled a 4-ounce spray bottle and used it around my seat whenever I saw mosquitoes. And voila! That worked as well. It worked at a picnic where we sprayed the area around the food table, the children's swing area, and the standing water nearby.

I tried this on my deck and around all of my doors. It works! In fact, it killed them instantly. I bought my bottle from Target and it cost me $1.89. It really doesn't take much, and it is a big bottle, too; so it is not as expensive to use as the can of spray you buy that doesn't last 30 minutes.

So, try this, please. It will last a couple of days. Don't spray directly on a wood door (like your front door), but spray around the frame. Spray around the window frames, and even inside the dog house.

During the summer, I don't leave home without it.....

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Child Discipline (PICS)

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children. The other day I was talking to one of my younger buddies about methods used to discipline children.

We talked about "time outs", grounding, holding back "rewards" until the child displayed desired behavior etc. One of the things we discussed was the act of spanking and my friend explained that no, he does not spank any of his children.

He explained that what he does is to take the misbehaving child out for a ride in the car and talk. He said that usually this works and that the child calms down fairly quickly and really doesn't take too much time.

By removing the child, in this case his son, from the immediate situation and providing a change of scenery, the child is allowed to focus on something different. Once the child has the opportunity to change perspective, things get better quickly and the child has better understanding of his place within the family and begins to understand the families concept of acceptable behavior.

He kindly shared a picture of the process which I share with you now.

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Husband's Dying Confession

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

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Can You Read These Right The First Time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

21) The archer shot an arrow from his bow to the bow of the ship.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

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The Meanings of UP!

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP!

One could go on and on, so.......but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP so.......Time to shut UP!!!

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Congratulations Anthony Signore!!!

A friend of ours, Anthony Signore, just came in 2nd place in the $1500 Buy-In, No-Limit Texas Holdem (Event #32 of the World Series of Poker). He takes home over $350,000 in prize money. Way to go Anthony!

Can I get paid back that $20 bucks you owe me now???

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As if being a rapist wasn't bad enough

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Don't Yell In The House (PICS)

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Desktop Clutter Art (PICS)

This is a creative way of turning your cluttered desktop into art! Click image to make bigger.

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30 Celebrities Who Didn't Get The Part (LINK)

Yesterday we saw how some of Hollywood's talent can really f$ck up by not taking important roles. Well, here are 30 celebrities who tried out for roles, but were giving the boot.

http://www.glamorati.com/celebrity/2008/30-celebrities-who-didnt-get-the-part/

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20 Celebrities Who Passed On Important Roles (LINK)

Every now and then an actor/actress passes on a role they should have taken and instead takes one they shouldn't have. Here are 20 of them that f$#ked up.

http://www.glamorati.com/celebrity/2008/20-actors-and-actresses-who-turned-down-important-or-popular-roles/

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Four Doctors

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing', we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

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Employee Of The Month (PICS)

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff!

Sincerely,

The Management

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Hiroshima And Nagasiki Today (PICS)

I think they recovered well. Click image to make bigger.

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The Motorbike or Dirty Dishes Joke

(Send your junk mail to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

A guy wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

'All right, that's enough, I'll do the f------g dishes!'

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World's Smallest "Legal" Swimsuit (PICS): Possibly NSFW

(Thank You Chadd E. for sending this Junk Mail. Send yours to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

The Stren Line company recently sponsored a swimsuit competition. The only requirement was that the swimsuit be held up by fishing line. Here is the winner :

It's held in place with clear fish line This years winner --- 2008 --- World's smallest [legal] swimsuit.

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