This website is dedicated to my little dog, Cara. Click to view her story. I miss you very much little girl.
Help save abandoned Cats and Dogs. The Cat House on the Kings needs your support. Click here to view a video on them and then donate to their cause!

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year - Very cool ad

Check out this Happy New Year ad:


Here is the making of the ad. It took 288,000 candles.

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Dangerous Jobs - Alaskan Surveyor

Position: Surveyor
Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free)
Qualification: Must be fast on your feet








Isn't it comforting to know that when you are about to become a bear's breakfast your buddy is standing there taking photos?

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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Needle Art

This is unreal. The artist makes sculptures in the eye of a needle.

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Monday, December 29, 2008

We Will Miss Him - George Bush At His Best

I laughed my ass off at this video!

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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Harmonica at Carnegie Hall - Buddy Greene

This video is a little grainy, but you have to hear this guy play the harmonica.

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Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Pope

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

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Friday, December 26, 2008

Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

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Why Does Everyone Steal This Town's Sign?





And just to prove I'm not making this up:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fucking,_Austria

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Olga Korbut, 1972 Uneven Bars

This chick is amazing.

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Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Chanukah!

I totally forgot to also wish all of you a Happy Chanukah! To celebrate, here are two of my favorite Chanukah songs. Take it away Adam Sandler!

The Origianl



The Second Song

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Fantastic Christmas Lights

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Merry Christmas

To Everyone:

My you have a safe and wonderful Christmas with your families. Also, "Thank You" for reading my blog and passing the word along about it.

Sincerely,

Charles

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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Very Close Lightning Strike

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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Michael Phelps At A Young Age

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Monday, December 22, 2008

The Old Lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', said the little old lady. 'Yo u see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

'Well, that seems only fair' laughs the cop. OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know, not everybody pays'.

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

I Messed Up On Yesterday's Post

Hey Everyone:

Charles here. The man behind My Junk Mail. I just want you to know that I messed up on yesterday's post for the Antiques Roadshow for Men (guess my wife was right when she said I wasn't perfect). Seems I posted the same video from the day before. I don't know how I managed to do that, but it's fixed.

I wanted to post this message about the mess up for all of your who get My Junk Mail by email daily. Anyway, click the link below and you can view the "correct" post. Again, sorry for the screw up and I hope not to do it again (because I still think I'm perfect).

http://myjunkmail.blogspot.com/2008/12/antiques-roadshow-for-men.html

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Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours, and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

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Saturday, December 20, 2008

Antique's Roadshow For Men

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Friday, December 19, 2008

Why Mechanics Like Women

No picture, just sound...but funny as hell.

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Abbott & Costello - Buying a Computer

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COS TELLO: I get a bundle o f money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

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Smart Bank Robbers...Dumb Cops

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Thursday, December 18, 2008

6 Answers We've Been Waiting For

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Good year.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose

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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

How Beer Works

This is a great example of how "good" your date looks the more you drink. Click the link below. Don't worry, the site doesn't have any spyware or spam on it.

http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Wrong Trousers

A kid with a cello, a girl with a harp and another kid with some small guitar singing "Video Killed The Radio Star" in a park. And to be honest...they aren't bad.



FYI: This "band" is called The Wrong Trousers and you can find more about them here: http://www.myspace.com/thewrongtrousers

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Monday, December 15, 2008

Straight From The Cat's Mouth

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Sunday, December 14, 2008

5 Minute Management Class

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the n ext door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slid e up h er leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak .'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world'
Puff! He's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pinacoladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! She's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my drop pings? ' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all war m and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT CLASS.

THANK YOU.

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Saturday, December 13, 2008

Funny Laugh

Pay attention to the old man in the middle. This guy has the most funniest laugh you will ever hear. I always to start to crack up when I watch this.

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Friday, December 12, 2008

Magic Flashlights

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How To Steal A Car With Soda Cans

This theft is a genius! I'm gonna make sure I'm not his next victim.

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The Police vs. Stupid People

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Visit To The Doctor

A man went to the doctor and the doctor told him, "Sir, I have bad news, you are going to die soon"

The man said, "well that is just terrible, what should I do?"

The doctor told him, "You should take 3 mud baths every day"

The man said, "well, how is that going to help me?"

The doctor says, "It will get you used to the dirt"

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Hell...

The following is an actual question given on a Yale University chemistry final exam.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Amazing Magic Trick

This is kinds old, but still I wonder how it was done.

Most Amazing Illusion Ever

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Tuesday, December 9, 2008

BJ In The News Room - Safe for Work

Check out the guy in the chair in the back of the news reporter.

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Monday, December 8, 2008

Watch The Waiter


Watch The Waiter - Click here for the funniest movie of the week

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Sunday, December 7, 2008

Guitar Hero Bike Ride - Amazing

I dedicate this post to my brother, Tony! He is a hugh Guitar Hero fan.

This is amazing! A guy ride his bike while playing a song. Now, as he is riding his bike and the song is playing there are notes on the ground which are setup like Guitar Hero. The time involved in setting this up and timing the ride of the bike is unreal. This is the most unique and talented video I have ever seen.


Bike Hero - Watch more free videos

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Saturday, December 6, 2008

500 Posts!

Hey Everyone:

I just wanted to let you all know that I reached my first milestone with My Junk Mail. Today's post (not this one) is the 500th post to the site. Thank you all for contributing! Keep emailing me your junk mail!

Sincerely,

Charles
The man behind My Junk Mail

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Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

A contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had
given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

"C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is.... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something?

It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on." said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

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Friday, December 5, 2008

Happy Birthday To Me (And My Brother, Tony)!!!

Yes, believe it or not, today is my birthday! Yup, made it to 33 years old (head to believe). In case you all didn't know, I also have a twin brother, Tony (Happy Birthday Bro!!!). So, to celebrate I want to share with everyone two of our best photos:

BEFORE:


















AFTER:

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Sick Wiffleball Pitcher

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Coolest Pitch Ever

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Hugh Water Bill

Jennifer and Jim kept getting Huge water bills. They knew beyond a doubt that the bills weren't representative of their actual usage, and no matter how they tried to conserve water, the high bills continued. They could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked for leaks or problems: the water meter, outdoor pipes, indoor pipes, underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice maker, etc., all to no avail!

One day Jim stayed home in bed, but kept hearing water running downstairs. He finally got out of his sick bed to investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of the bills. Apparently this was happening all day long when they were at work. Knowing that few wou ld believe him, he taped a segment of this outrageous 'problem' for posterity:

You won't believe this!

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Thursday, December 4, 2008

Cool Skateboard Trick

Check out the trick this kid does. Click the link below:

http://jj.am/gallery/d/67048-1/Flips_onto_skateboard.gif

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Great News!

I found a local escort who charges by the inch! Obviously, I can't afford her, but thought she would be a cheap date for you.

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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Vicks Vapo Rub Cures Coughing

During a lecture on Essential Oils, they told us how the foot soles can absorb oils. Their example: Put garlic on your feet and within 20 minutes you can 'taste' it.

Some of us have used Vicks Vapo rub for years for everything from chapped lips to sore toes and many body parts in between. But I've never heard of this. And don't laugh, it works 100% of the time, although the scientists who discovered it aren't sure why. To stop night time coughing in a child (or adult as we found out personally), put Vicks Vapo rub generously on the bottom of the feet at bedtime, then cover with socks. Even persistent, heavy, deep coughing will stop in about 5 minutes and stay stopped for many, many hours of relief. Works 100% of the time and is more effective in children than even very strong prescription cough medicines. In addition it is extremely soothing and comforting and they will sleep soundly.

Just happened to tune in A.M. Radio and picked up this guy talking about why cough medicines in kids often do more harm than good, due to the chemical makeup of these strong drugs so, I listened. It was a surprise finding and found to be more effective than prescribed medicines for children at bedtime, in addition to have a soothing and calming effect on sick children who then went on to sleep soundly.

My wife tried it on herself when she had a very deep constant and persistent cough a few weeks ago and it worked 100%! She said that it felt like a warm blanket had enveloped her, coughing stopped in a few minutes and believe me, this was a deep, (incredibly annoying!) every few seconds uncontrollable cough, and she slept cough-free for hours every night that she used it.

If you have grandchildren, pass this on. If you end up sick, try it yourself and you will be absolutely amazed at how it work.

DON'T SHUN THIS ONE.. TRY IT THE NEXT TIME YOU GET A BAD COLD.

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Monday, December 1, 2008

This...That...Magic Trick

Really well done magic card trick. Visit this guy's site at www.wtfmagic.com.

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Sunday, November 30, 2008

Never Light Firecrackers In Your Butt (WARNING: A Little Graphic)

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Saturday, November 29, 2008

Pixar Tennis Commercial

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Friday, November 28, 2008

The Kid And The Turkey

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

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The Black Hole - 3 Minute Short Film

This was an excellent film.

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Million Dollar Shot

This guy was playing a Charity Golf Tourney and they had a million dollar hole-in-one shot. Here's the shot.

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Congress Has Found A New Thing To Tax

The only thing that the government has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole.

On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts! HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12' Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10' Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8' Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5' Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12' must file capital gains. Anyone under 3' is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

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How To Get A Cat Off Your Car

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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Turkey Day!!!

To everyone I wish you a Happy, Healthy (yeah right) and Safe (definately) Thankgiving with all whom you love. Happy Thankgiving!

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Bob Nelson on Football

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Paint Jam

This guy is amazing! The last eight seconds will blow your mind.

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

New Las Vegas Promotional Ad

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Monday, November 24, 2008

Learn From Our Past

Can we not learn from our past? This is hard to believe. Things are NOT looking good for that bailout plan..... true story.

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now we are trusting the entire economy of our country to same guys who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze?

And just so you know I wasn't pulling your leg...here is the proof.

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Sunday, November 23, 2008

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road...

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle road here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

SARAH PALIN: Where's MY gun? That chicken's got no choice !

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

EVERYONE'S GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one???

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Saturday, November 22, 2008

Top Ten Reasons A Gun Is Favored Over A Woman

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

7 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

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Friday, November 21, 2008

Happy Birthday To My Wife, Laura!

Just wanted to take a moment to wish my beautiful wife, Laura, a Happy Birthday!



Hey, if you are looking for a gift for a family or friend for the Holidays, check out her new shoe company, The Snappy Pair. They sell an interchangeable shoe where you can change the jewelry on it. All the women in Florida are going crazy over this. Visit their online store at http://www.thesnappypair.com.

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How To Turn A Speeding Ticket Into Jail Time!

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Use The Force...

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Me On Halloween...

This is how I felt the following day after my Halloween party.

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The Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same -- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cu tme off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a goodtime to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' Isaid, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.' I said,'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up andimmediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there justin time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Hot Ronald McDonald

Dude...Ronald McDonald is HOT!

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Insane Street Football

This can't be real.

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Monday, November 17, 2008

Mom vs. Kid vs. Laptop

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Sunday, November 16, 2008

Amazing Pianist

First time I watched one of these videos all the way through. Great music.

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Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Three Phases

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how Many Kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes
through three Phases.

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm

In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes Through Three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree Mighty and Hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'. 'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'

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Friday, November 14, 2008

Thank You To Everyone! I'm Back!

Hi Everyone:

Charles here, the man behind My Junk Mail. I just wanted to say, "Thank You!" to everyone who has emailed me about WHERE ARE ALL THE JOKES LATELY? Well, truth is, I do this as a hobby and my time has been taken up recently. But, I'm happy to say I will be back in the swing of things starting today.

So, where have I been? Well, I work as a mortgage broker and in case you haven't turned on your TV or radio for the past year, the business has sucked. I'm working 3 times as hard to make ends meet. Also, my wife, Laura, is starting a cool shoe company and I had to work on their online store (I also moonlight as an website developer and search engine optimization expert), so I literally had no time to keep up with the posts.

Oh, before I forget, visit my wife's online store and check out her interchangeable shoes at www.thesnappypair.com. Her and a couple of partners have a patent on a shoe product that interchanges the jewelry or embellishments on shoes. It's really cool and I hope they do great! So, please spread the word around for me.

OK, so back to me. I couldn't believe when I checked my email how many of you actually missed my posts! Truthfully, I didn't think anyone really cared about this blog, so I didn't think anyone would miss the fact that I haven't been posting for a while, but you all proved me wrong and I thank you for that.

I'm started posting again today, but I'm going to start tonight going through the many "junk emails" you all have sent the get them up on the site. Thank goodness Blogger has a post scheduler, so I can do a bunch at once.

Once again, "Thank You" from the bottom of my heart for keeping interest and making me realize that what I'm doing is bringing a smile to someone. If I never earn a dime from doing this, at least that is worth more then money could give me.

Sincerely,

Charles Petruzzi
My Junk Mail Blogger

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Always Maxi Pads

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

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Traveling Man

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO '

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Driving Etiquette

A woman is driving at night on a narrow country road. At the same time a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road.

When they narrowly pass each other at high speed, the woman rolls down her window and loudly shouts - HORSE!
Immediately the man shouts back - BITCH!

The man laughs. He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining his speed………



Moral of the story:

Men never listen, and when they do, they don't understand one word a woman says.

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The Test

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

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Friday, October 17, 2008

Can You Give Me A Push?

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Lunch On A SkyScraper (PowerPoint)

Here is a great PowerPoint Presentation showing a bunch of old photos of workers on a skyscraper. Very cool.

Lunch on a SkyScraper

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Putting Puppies To Bed (VIDEOS)

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Time For Some Campaigning! (VIDEOS)

Jib-Jab is at it again with another great video about the Presidential Race!

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Monday, October 13, 2008

Wanna Go? (PICS)

The Flagship 'Dixie Belle' is shown below...



Your first night's meal promises to be scrumptious, featuring fillet of Catfish, Hush Puppies and Collards, with all you can eat Boiled Louisiana Rusty Crawfish! Boy, I wish I was goin' with ya'll. If'n ya'll win, make sure to send pitchrs, especially of the Famous, 'Ole' Muddy Midnight Skinny Dip', with your hostesses Eulla Bell and Krissie (below).



Since ya'll may have the preseedentual suite, yu'in's will have a balcony view and the finest facilities.

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Sunday, October 12, 2008

Coffee Machine (LINKS)

This is cute:

1. CLICK ON THE LINK (COFFEE MACHINE BELOW)
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON 'OPEN'
6. ENJOY!

Don't forget to click on 'OPEN'!

Coffee Machine

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Saturday, October 11, 2008

Obama vs. Osama (PICS)

I usually don't like to post anything political, but this was too funny not to.

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Friday, October 10, 2008

The Kiss (PICS)

She is pregnant; he had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire.

When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.

A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, noticed her in the distance looking at the fireman.

He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do.

As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies and kissed him just as the photographer snapped this photograph.

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Wedding Invitation (PICS)

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Interesting Facts

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait..

Donkeys kill more people annually Than plane crashes or shark attacks. (Watch your Ass )

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women,what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first ' Marlboro Man. '

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal.' (who thinks up this stuff???)

The second? William Jefferson Clinton (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!!!)

And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

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Award Winning Construction (PICS)

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Guess Who?

Can you guess which organization this is?

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Take a guess...

Give up yet???

Scroll down...



It's the 435 members of the United States Congress

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Pass this on..

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Thursday, October 9, 2008

Cuddles The Poodle In Africa

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

And Then The Fight Started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive - so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started....

**********************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

*******************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

****************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it...he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started....

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Tuesday, October 7, 2008

3 Construction Workers

An Irishman , Mexican and Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican! Opened his lunch box and exclaimed,'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said,' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

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Monday, October 6, 2008

Andy Rooney : Women Over 40

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:


60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we! ! praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal . For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

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Sunday, October 5, 2008

Big Dogs (PICS)

Some of these have to be fake. But, they are still look cool.
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