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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Awesome Bento Box Art

(Special Thanks to Tia for sending me this junk mail. Send yours to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)



How cool would it be if your mom made you these bento boxes? Bento is a home-packed meal common in Japanese culture. A traditional bento consists of rice, fish or meat, and one or more pickled or cooked vegetables as a side dish. These bento boxes have just that extra kick - they take you back to that old school video game or anime movie - for a brief second, before you devour your food.

Here is a link to the site with plenty more:

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/awesome-bento-box-art-10-total

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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Guy Jumps Off Building

Just watch til the end.

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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

New Wine For Seniors



California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...



PINO MORE



I heard it through the Grapevine.

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Monday, April 27, 2009

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

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Sunday, April 26, 2009

WalMart

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

(You're going to hate me for this ... )

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

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Saturday, April 25, 2009

You Know You're A Redneck When...

(Special Thanks to Tia for sending me this junk mail. Send your to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.......!'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

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Friday, April 24, 2009

Red Neck Bumper Sticker

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Old Gunsligger

A prospector walks his tired old mule into a western Town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his Old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing Some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young Gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one Hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, Saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and Started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered His gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, And pulled both hammers back making a double clicking Sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything Got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowlyTurned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

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You Know You're Living In 2009 When...

(Special Thanks to Tia for sending me this junk mail. Send yours to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

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Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Jar In The Bar

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first..... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body. He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Snorkeling in Upstate New York (NSFW)



Alcohol may have been involved...

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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Medical Test

STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS

Then Scroll Down



NOW STARE IN THE PUPPY'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS ...



Scroll Down








Your CAT SCAN

and LAB TESTS


are now complete




couldn't resist...





Do you feel like working today?

Tomorrow?

The day after?

Next week?

Next Month?

Me neither!

I just want to party!






You...



....have a GREAT Day!!!

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably.
And never regret anything that made you smile.

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Monday, April 20, 2009

Dean Martin and Foster Brooks - The Airline Pilot

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Sunday, April 19, 2009

Why Some Women Hate Football





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Saturday, April 18, 2009

Getting Fixed

A Tennessee couple (both genuine rednecks) had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed.' The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican Baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

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Friday, April 17, 2009

Einstein The Parrot

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Kids



The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY Lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her candy out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're assholes!"

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False Wall Prank

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Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hero Dog

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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Whys of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX
(because they are plugged into a genius)

----------------------------------------------

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don ' t have enough time)

-----------------------------------------------

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

-----------------------------------------------

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

-----------------------------------------------

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

-----------------------------------------------

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

----------------------------------------------

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

-----------------------------------------------

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

-----------------------------------------------

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

-----------------------------------------------

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

-----------------------------------------------

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

-----------------------------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...

---------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-----------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today, 'Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

----------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

----------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual'.'

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Rough Morning

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Monday, April 13, 2009

Toilet Cleaning Instructions

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,
The Dog

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Sunday, April 12, 2009

Why I Quit Smoking

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Saturday, April 11, 2009

Cutest Picture Ever!

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Friday, April 10, 2009

Italian Song

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Another Banned Durex Condom Commercial - Possibly NSFW

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Birds And The Bees



A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

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Thursday, April 9, 2009

Larry

Ok, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?!" she said, shaking her head in disgust.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on his privates?'

"Well, there are 4 reasons, actually," replied Larry.

One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.

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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Education And The Future of Technology

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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dictionary

This joke was sent to me as an image, so click it to enlarge. Sorry about that.

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Monday, April 6, 2009

First Class Advantage

Why It Pays To Fly First Class!

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Sunday, April 5, 2009

Infidel Humor

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now...

No television
No cheerleaders
No Nude Women
No car races
No football
No soccer
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No nachos
No Beer nuts
No Beer!
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

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Saturday, April 4, 2009

Photoshopped Animals























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