Last Thing You Want To Hear After Sex

A man's in bed with his girlfriend, who he met in Key West. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

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First Women On The Moon (PICS)

For those of you too young to remember "The Honeymooners", Ralph Karmden always said..."One of these days Alice, Bang, Zoom, straight to the moon!"

Here is a link to The Honeymooners on Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Honeymooners

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5 Nuns (PICS)

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.

It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to the barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

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Don't Drive and Drive

A True Story from the Jacksonville, Fl., Police Dept.

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

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The Nut Bra (VIDEO)

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Divorce Cakes (PICS)

(Special Thanks to Chadd E. for sending this junk mail. Send yours to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

Ahh marriage. Such a wonful time in a person's life which should be celebrated with a delicious tooth decaying wedding cake. Unfortuneately, some people like the same when are getting a divorce. Here are some divorce cakes...

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Chinese Proverbs

Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly figure

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget

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If Your Were President

(Special Thanks to Fran M. for sending this junk mail. Send your to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

(NOTE: I usually don't like to post anything political, but this is really funny)

So, I was talking to this little girl, Catherine, the daughter of some friends, and she said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats were standing there with us and I asked Catherine, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied, 'I would give houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow, what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President. You can start now by coming over to my house and cleaning up all of the dog poop in my back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can
give him the $5 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me, seething, and Catherine replied, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just pay him the $5 dollars?'

'Ah', I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party'.

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Rednecks Get A Gun Pulled On Them (VIDEOS)

Two Rednecks start messing with a guy and his girlfriend in a BMW and eventually get a gun pulled on them. Next time, I think they will pick their battles better. Watch til the end.

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Hot Tub Cannonball (VIDEO)

(Here is another cannonball video. If you missed the one about the kid doing a cannonball at his baptism, well, click here to view it.)

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Rules Of Bedroom Golf

(My lovely wife, Laura, sent this to me. Do you think I might get lucky tonight?)

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

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How To Ask For A Raise

Maria (the maid) asked her employers wife if she could have a raise. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE

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Animal Robbers (VIDEOS)

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Puns

According to usually reliable sources on the internet, here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He demanded that the good fathers close down, but they refused. He went back once again and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

The rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally,

10. Then there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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Five Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

NUMBER 5: 'They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.'

NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.'

NUMBER 3: 'Whew!? Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!'

NUMBER 2: 'Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?'

And the NUMBER 1: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

Raising your head slowly) '... in Jesus’ name, Amen'

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Ruth Did It... (PICS)

I guess these fans were a little upset with Barry Bonds.

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Golf Joke

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll b e fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

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How's Norma?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother, in her weak tremulous voice said, '"Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work is normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

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Blonde's Year In Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911. "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

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The Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.

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Sand Sculptures (PICS)

How do people actually make these? They look fake, but I know they are not.

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Hidden Tire Danger (VIDEO)

(Special Thanks to Chadd E. for sending me this junk mail. Send yours to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

Right after watching this report, I went outside and inspected the tires on my wife's car and mine. Thank God I didn't have old tires. This report will shock you!

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Weather Warning (PICS)

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky:



Just go back in the house, pour yourself a cup of coffee with a shot,
and stay there. It probably isn't going to be a good day.

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Snowball - The Dancing Bird (VIDEO)

(Special Thank to my father Tony P. for sending me this junk mail. Send yours to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

This bird has better moves then most people I know...including myself!

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BBQ Invitation (Powerpoint)

I would be at this party in two shakes of a lambs tail! (That sounds sooo Redneck). Anyway, click the link below to download the Powerpoint file. The pictures are amazing!

http://www.box.net/shared/nvpg2xe04g

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Men, Multi-Tasking Is Not For You (PICS)

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84 Year Old Bride (PICS)

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I Am Going To Hell For Posting This...Church Stained Glass Gone Wrong (PICS)

Something tells me whoever was commissioned to make this stained glass image, didn't really think about how this would be interpreted.

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Amish Gas Sign (PICS)

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Remember 9/11

In honor of the victims of 9/11 I just want to post that we should all take the time to remember those we lost in the attack and pray the world will one day find peace with all who occupy it.

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Your Best Friend

(A special "Thank You" to Alan T. for sending me this junk mail. Send your to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

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NSFW: Funny T-Shirts (PICS)

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More Funny Pics (Powerpoint)

Here is a link to a PowerPoint presentation containing a bunch of never before seen funny pics. Click the link below to download and view.

http://www.box.net/shared/ztwm2qdwko

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WTF? (PICS)

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The Dangers Of Engery Saving Light Bulbs (VIDEOS)

Listen very carefully to this speech. This is important:

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Beer! (PICS)

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Scissors (PICS)

(Special Thanks to Lory O. for send me this junk mail. Send yours to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com. Also, check out Lory's blog when you have a chance)

THIS IS MY KINDERGARTNER’S ARTISTIC RENDERING OF A PAIR OF SCISSORS. I WONDER WHAT HIS TEACHER THOUGHT.

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Bill Gates' Speech To Mt. Whitney High School

(A special "Thank You" once again to Alan T. for send me this junk mail. Send yours to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com)

(This speech is not true. It is actually an urban legend. You can read about it here)

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

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A Day At The Beach...In China (PICS)

When you need to relax, may I suggest a day at the beach...IN CHINA!!!

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