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Here are a collection of some great pranks and scares.
There some bad language in this next one.
And now for the best scare prank ever. This kid's sister is scared to death of aliens and, well...just see what happens.
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Hopefully, you won't eat too much candy or you'll turn into a pumpkin. I'm serious. Look what happened to this poor women...
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Once upon a time there were three little pigs - the straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in. The wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulled up.
Out stepped two massive pigs in pin-striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek.. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs.”
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Sometimes you can reach too far!
And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember...
Not everyone who shows up...Is there to help you!!!
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An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
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Excerpt from a Dog's Diary...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity....
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.
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THINGS YOU DON"T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
14. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida .
SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS:
1. Under same management for over 5,769 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
4 . Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
JEWISH JOKES
My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?, "the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?,"Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living...."
A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter. "
Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?
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"I was thirsty, too". 
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The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
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WARNING: This uncut scene is actual footage of Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone having wild sex, so don’t click on the link if this is offensive to you. On the other hand, no one but you would know.
http://bassi.magnify.net/video/Sharon-Stone-Basic-Instinct-u
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Wonderful example, Pass it on!
If somebody is unable to understand THIS explanation, I have serious doubts about their ability to even function in society, much less run our country!
As the late Adrian Rogers said, "you cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class.
--------------------------------------------
That class had insisted that socialism would work and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan".
All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.
As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that.
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Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'
'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.
'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'
'Sure is, Bubba.'
'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'
'Yep..'
'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'
'That's right,' said the lawyer. 'But why are you asking?'
'Well, I was thinkin...What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'
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Life really boils down to 2 questions...
1. Should I get a dog? 
OR...
2. Should I have children?
Now that I made you smile, pass it on to someone else who needs a laugh today!
Just to let you know I'm thinking of you today. No matter what situations life throws at you...No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..
Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 
You're laughing aren't you?
That's good 'cause my job here is done!
Have a great day and remember to give thanks.... 
Cats are so dramatic!!
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It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
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A surgeon went to check on his blond patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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Who the hell dreams this stuff up? If this was in a restaurant, I'd never eat there again!
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Sit comfortably and be calm. This is a serious eye/brain function test.
Put your thinking process aside - i.e. put your brain in neutral gear.
1- Find the C below. Do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
6999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
3- Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer. Congratulations!
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he is talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.
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These boys can really sing! Amazing!
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But do they bloom?
I wonder if they come in different colors?
I wonder about the fragrance?
I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water?
I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry?
I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen?
I wonder if they come in long-stemmed?
Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd. in Fishers ( Indianapolis ).. The sign is real and was up for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES!
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All of the following "Girls" are really BOYS! Careful when you go to Thailand !
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These are pretty clever. Scroll slowly until you see just the picture, try to determine what it represents, and then look at the answers at the bottom of the post to see if you were right. 
Here are the answers:
LIGHT BEER
CARD SHARK
ASSAULTED PEANUT
DOCTOR PEPPER
EGG PLANT
KNIGHT MARE
HOLE MILK
KING OF POP
TAP DANCERS
GATOR AIDE
A POOL TABLE
i-POD
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Between the fields where the flag is planted, there are 9+ miles of flower fields that go all the way to the ocean. The flowers are grown by seed companies. It's a beautiful place, close to Vandenberg AFB. Check out the dimensions of the flag. The Floral Flag is 740 feet long and 390 feet wide and maintains the proper Flag dimensions, as described in Executive Order #10834. This Flag is 6.65 acres and is the first Floral Flag to be planted with 5 pointed Stars, comprised of White Larkspur. Each Star is 24 feet in diameter; each Stripe is 30 feet wide. This Flag is estimated to contain more than 400,000 Larkspur plants, with 4-5 flower stems each, for a total of more than 2 million flowers.
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Keep This: If you're ever feeling dumb, just read it and you'll feel much better.
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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss America, Alabama's Heather Whitestone in the 1994 Miss USA contest .
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix '
-- Dan Quayle while campaigning
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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The husband leans over and asks h is wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago the fence wasn't electric!
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Stimulus Payment Info
"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
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...for all the difficult people in your life
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I don't know about you, but this would slow me down! People slow down and try to "straddle" the hole, then breathe a sigh of relief that they completely cleared it!
Isn't art wonderful!
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