New Five Dollar Bill (PICS)

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Airline Announcements

A big "Thank You!" to Fran for sending me this junk mail.

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in- flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that , sure as hell, everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Air lines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City! The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

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NSFW: Guardian Angel (PICS)

Heaven has sent you a guardian Angel.



Heaven didn't want her, so they sent her to me. I don't want her either so, I'm sending her especially to you ! The rules are simple: You can send her away, but you can't send her BACK. Forward this on.

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Do You Know Who I Am? (VIDEO)

I actually had a friend of mine do this in college.

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When Your Hut Is On Fire

Another bigh "Thank You!" to Fran for sending me this junk mail. You go Fran!

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Everyday he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God ! How could you do this to me?"

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?," asked the weary man of his rescuers.

"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

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Tuff Times Realty (PICS)

You think they get a lot of business? Click on image to make bigger.

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Don't Accept The New Dollar (PICS)

Update: There has been a lot of controversy over this post. People have been stating that the new dollar has "In God We Trust" engraved on the side of the coin instead of on the front. If anyone has any information on this please email to me at myjunkmailblog@gmail.com. Remember everyone, I'm posting the junk mail I get, so sometimes there might be some controversy. Please don't shoot me for it :-)

U.S. Government to Release New Dollar Coins

You guessed it 'IN GOD WE TRUST' IS GONE!!!

If ever there was a reason to boycott something, THIS IS IT!!!!

DO NOT ACCEPT THE NEW DOLLAR COINS AS CHANGE

Together we can force them out of circulation.

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Tim Nolan - Basketball and Juggling (VIDEO)

This guy is amazing.

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Petting A Great White (PICS)

This guy is crazy. Supposedly he freed this Great White Shark from a fishing net and it follows him around. Now he can pet it anytime he wants. Click on image to make bigger.

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Hurricane Survival Kit (PICS)

Toilet Paper........................................check

Bud Light...........................................check

Keystone Ice........................................check

Budweiser...........................................check

Red Dog.............................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on...check

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Nails (PICS)

I wonder if my nail tech wife ever had clients request nails like these?

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Would You Quit Drinking? (PICS)

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster...would you quit drinking?

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My Book On Golf

I am asking friends and family to help me out. My book on GOLF gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of struggling to master the sport and some of my crazy experience. The cost is only $29.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email with the appropriate information.

Order NOW!! Don't wait until they're all gone!!!! I have given you all below a brief synopsis of each of the Chapters, which will give you some insight into the book. I hope this give you some idea on what it is all about. Please understand if you like the brief explanations you will be blown away with entire book.


Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when You Hit a Titleist From the Tee.

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Marshall the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter 10- When Does A Divot become classified as a Sod

Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th...

Chapter 13- Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight

Chapter 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome

Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee

Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your 5 handicap Opponent

Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 19- Throwing Your Clubs : An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique (This Chapter is dedicated to both Charles and yours truly. Who have master the Technique.)

Chapter 20- Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, But Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender.

Thank you all for your assistance in getting this labor of love off the ground and hope to see you all at the Last Resort after the signing.

PS: I am now called Lion at the local Golf Course. Remember that's "Lion" not "Tiger", someone WOULD get upset if I used that name.

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HEMA's Website / Products Page (LINK)

Okay...after you click on the link, just leave it be...watch what happens...don't touch your scroll or anything...this is GREAT.....! Totally innovative! "It" will do all the work....too neat. Just watch....

HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands . HEMA also has stores in Belgium, Luxemburg, and Germany . In June of this year, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital.

Take a look at HEMA's product page. Click there. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens. This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer.

http://producten.hema.nl/

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Dog For Sale (PICS)

Dog For Sale
Free to good home.
Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.'

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Old Guy At The Beach (PICS)

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Super Mario Bros. Theme Played With A Toy Car And Bottles (VIDEO)

FYI: I am a closet geek. Yes, I whole-heartedly admit it. Stuff like in the video below is just super cool to me.

These kids play the Super Mario Bros. theme by setting up a bunch of glass bottle in a line and then hit them with a toy car. Amazing and geeky!

Mario Theme Played with RC Car and Bottles - Watch more free videos

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George Bush Impersonation (VIDEO)

This kid should win an Oscar for this.

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How To Spend Your Tax Rebate

As you may have heard, the Administration said each of us would get a rebate check to stimulate the economy.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan or Mexico.

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan...and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales; since those are the only businesses still in the U.S.

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An Irreverent Look At Country Music (VIDEO)

Are you a fan of country music? Even if you’re not, you’ll get a kick out of this comedian. He pokes fun at the names of country songs. It’s pretty funny. But wait until you hear the song he composed.

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What Were They Thinking? (PICS)

I understand some people want to be "different", but this is going a little too far. WARNING: Some of the pics below are really gross. Click on image to make bigger.

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Teamwork (PICS)

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Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! Ho w come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said, 'JESUS SAVES'

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The Girl From New York

A girl from NEW YORK and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from NEW YORK, being friendly and all said, 'So, where ya from?' The west coast girl said, 'From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.' The girl from NY,sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: 'So, where ya from....bitch?'

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Biting Off More Then You Can Chew (PICS)

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Cute Overload (PICS)

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Everyone On The Count Of Three...1...2...3...AWWWW (PICS)

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Six Dogs And A Cup (PICS)

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