Motel 6 "Bodily Fluids"

So, how much "bodily fluids" do you think there are in a Motel 6 room? Well, a lot apparently.

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Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.... It is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorolog ists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Oh, and just a quick reminder...

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Computer Submerged in Mineral Oil

My brother Tony sent this to me. Being the computer nerds we are, we have to give this a try. The final product in cool as heck!

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How Big Is Wal-Mart?

1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour Of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit Every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more From January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) Than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people And is the largest private employer. And most can't speak English
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company In the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food Than Kroger & Safeway combined, And keep in mind they did this In only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food Than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores In the USA of which 1,906 are SuperCenters; This is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
11. This year, 7.2 billion different Purchasing experiences will occur At a Wal-Mart store.
(Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live Within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart
13 Let Wal Mart bail out Wall Street

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Colonoscopy humor

For those that have been through it, you will totally appreciate where this guy is coming from! This is hilarious---it's also one of the most important things you can do for yourself!

Dave Barry on his Colonoscopy ... This is from news hound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal: ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

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Have you made your Holiday Plans for 2009? You may like these!

Click the link below to download the PowerPoint presentation. There are not viruses.

http://www.box.net/shared/jc7kd8tvbl

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Not In Florida

Click the link below to download the PowerPoint file. Don't worry, it was checked for viruses.

http://www.box.net/shared/pk6h1hung4

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I Hate Snow

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My Take On Winter

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Subliminal Facebook Captcha

What is Facebook trying to tell me here? Click the image to make bigger.

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Coyote Problem

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'

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Immigrant Style

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

'Hey, how much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

In broken English he says, 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'

'No,' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'

'No,' she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

'I pay you $300.'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400.'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'

She thinks to herself, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies, 'You send bill to Government.'

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Krispy Kreme Lingerie Calendar

Click to make bigger.

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Call It Luck Or Chance

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You Failed Question 14

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The Mom Song

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Check Your Child's Homework

For homework, a teacher asked his students (they were 1st graders) to draw a picture of what they wanted to be when they grew up. I think this "mommy" should spend a little more time helping her child with their homework. The picture is below:

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Jury Duty Scam

This has been verified by the FBI (their link is also included below). Please pass this on to everyone in your email address book. It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summonses for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced.

The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen.

The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma , Illinois , and Colorado . This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they are with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.

Check it out here: http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm

And here: http://www.snopes..com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp

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Thank You All...

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

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Important Message From Sprint...

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The Violinist

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousand of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

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When You Are Allowed To Say "Oh, FU%K!"

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Double Knock Out

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Motivational Message For Today

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Christmas is Tight This Year Sooooo....

My Dear Family, Friends and Others:

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.

Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....

Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.



Oh come on! LAUGH out loud with me! This is too funny!

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Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.


So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my god Dr.Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

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Riddles - Keep A Clean Mind

To view the answers, left-click your mouse and drag. The answer will appear highlighted. Try to keep a clean mind.

1. When i go in i might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. Who am I?
dentist

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Who am I?
wedding ring

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
peanut butter

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
chewing gum

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
an elevator

6. I come in many sizes. When i'm not well, i drip. When you blow me you feel good. What am I?
nose

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. when I come, it's news. What am I?
newspaper boy

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
glove

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
crane

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave a foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
toothbrush

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Wii Bowling + LCD TV = A Broken TV

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Double Pen Spin Surprise (Watch til the end)

Would you be so stupid to touch the pen. You'll see what I'm talking about.

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How Bailouts Work

Chuck moved to Texas from Washington and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, stuff happens. Just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "OK, then just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs in New York and gives economic policy advice to Washington.

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Dying Don

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed;

'Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.'

The grandson smiles weakly and replies; 'But grandpa, I really donna lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?'

Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice; 'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybea a couple of bambinos.'

After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues; 'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.

Whadda you gonna do then ...pointa to you watch and say 'Times up'?'

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Cats

Funny video of a bunch of cat videos.

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Mommy to Mom to Mother

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade... It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother....

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

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My Kitten Has Something To Say

Seems my little kitten, Ariel, has something to say to the world.

Click image to make bigger.

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Making A Baby

(A special "Thank you" to Mike Z. for sending me this junk mail)

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

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Who was Hayim Solomon?

(A special "Thank You" to Fran M. for sending me this junk mail. It would be a good idea to have a One Dollar Bill handy when viewing this)

Who was Hayim Solomon?

On the rear of the One Dollar bill, you will see two circles. Together, they comprise the Great Seal of the United States .

The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.

If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid.

Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the west or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything.

'IN GOD WE TRUST' is on this currency.

The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, 'God has favored our undertaking.' The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, 'a new order has begun.' At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. (MDCCLXXVI)

If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery , and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States , and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols mean.

The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on its own. At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you will read, ' E PLURIBUS UNUM' meaning,'one from many.'

Above the Eagle, you have the thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as one.

Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.

They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this:

13 original colonies,
13 signers of the Declaration of Independence,
13 stripes on our flag,
13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in, 'Annuit Coeptis,'
13 letters in 'E Pluribus Unum,'
13 stars above the Eagle,
13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive branch,
13 fruits, and if you look closely,
13 arrows.

And finally, if you notice the arrangement of the 13 stars in the right-hand circle you will see that they are arranged as a Star of David. This was ordered by George Washington who, when he asked Hayim Solomon, a wealthy Philadelphia Jew, what he would like as a personal reward for his services to the Continental Army, Solomon said he wanted nothing for himself but that he would like something for his people. The Star of David was the result. Few people know that it was Solomon who saved the Army through his financial contributions but died a pauper.

I always ask people, 'Why don't you know this?' Your children don't know this, and their history teachers don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all.

I for one, plan to share this page with everyone, so they can learn what is on the back of the United States one dollar bill -- and what it stands for!

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9 Things I Hate About Everyone!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?' No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting f or the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?' If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

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TEN PEEVES THAT DOGS HAVE ABOUT HUMANS

(A special "Thank You" to my father for sending me this junk mail)

1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny. not funny at all!!!

2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

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Magic Sex

Guy walks up to a women at the bar and says, "Hey, did you ever have magic sex before?"

"No, what's that?", she replies.

The guys says, "It's when we have sex and then you disappear, TAH DAH!!!"

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Stupid Facts

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand

And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'. (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?

The words 'racecar', 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)

Here are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is.)

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also)
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

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Happy New Year!

I just wanted to take the time to wish everyone a Happy New Year!
Welcome to 2009!

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