Sound of Music - Central Station Antwerp (Belgium)

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Pete

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NY Pizza

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Good, Better, Best

GOOD
In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!' The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball.' He replied, ' Texas State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

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Italians

AN ITALIAN WALKED INTO A BANK IN NEW YORK CITY AND ASKED FOR THE LOAN OFFICER. HE TOLD THE LOAN OFFICER THAT HE WAS GOING TO ITALY ON BUSINESS FOR TWO WEEKS AND NEEDED TO BORROW $5,000.00 AND THAT HE WAS NOT A DEPOSITOR OF THE BANK.

THE BANK OFFICER TOLD HIM THAT THE BANK WOULD NEED SOME FORM OF SECURITY FOR THE LOAN, SO THE ITALIAN HANDED OVER THE KEYS TO A NEW FERRARI. THE CAR WAS PARKED ON THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE BANK. THE ITALIAN PRODUCED THE TITLE AND EVERYTHING CHECKED OUT. THE LOAN OFFICER AGREED TO HOLD THE CAR AS COLLATERAL FOR THE LOAN AND APOLOGIZED FOR HAVING TO CHARGE 12% INTEREST.

LATER, THE BANK'S PRESIDENT AND ITS OFFICERS ALL ENJOYED A GOOD LAUGH AT THE ITALIAN FOR USING A $250,000 FERRARI AS COLLATERAL FOR A $5,000.00 LOAN. AN EMPLOYEE OF THE BANK THEN DROVE THE FERRARI INTO THE BANK'S UNDERGROUND GARAGE AND PARKED IT.

TWO WEEKS LATER, THE ITALIAN RETURNED, REPAID THE $5,000.00 AND THE INTEREST OF $23.07. THE LOAN OFFICER SAID, 'SIR, WE ARE VERY HAPPY TO HAVE HAD YOUR BUSINESS, AND THIS TRANSACTION HAS WORKED OUT VERY NICELY, BUT WE ARE A LITTLE PUZZLED. WHILE YOU WERE AWAY, WE CHECKED YOU OUT AND FOUND THAT YOU ARE A MULTIMILLIONAIRE. WHAT PUZZLES US IS, WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER TO BORROW $5,000.00?

THE ITALIAN REPLIED: 'MINGHA! WHERE ELSE IN NEW YORK CITY CAN I PARK MY CAR FOR TWO WEEKS FOR ONLY $23.07 AND EXPECT IT TO BE THERE WHEN I RETURN?'

AH, THE ITALIANS...BADA BING - BADA BOOM

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The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

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1981 And 2005

Interesting Year 1981:
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died.

Interesting Year 2005:
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died.

Lesson Learned: The next time Prince Charles gets married... someone warn the Pope

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Cussing At Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What th e f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources

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3 New Navy Ships

USS REAGAN



Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS! BEAUTIFUL!

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years

2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft

3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Size

1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline

2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall

3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres

4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds

5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons

6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet

Capacity

1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel

2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days

3. 18,150 meals served daily

4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes

5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones

6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets

7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation

8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).


US Navy welcomes the USS Bill Clinton



Sunday, July 2, 2006 Vancouver , BC . Headed for Seattle, WA., the US Navy welcomed the latest member of its fleet today.

The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC.

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while president.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.

It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

The 20 person crew is completely diversified, including members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation.

This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.!

An on-board Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense, but instead in times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada.

The ship may be positioned near the Democratic National Party Headquarters for photo-ops. The Clin-toons should be very proud.


USS Barack Obama sailing in from Cuba

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Best Wedding Entrance

This video makes me wish I was getting married tomorrow so I could do this at my wedding. This is the best entrance I have seen at a wedding. Congratulations Jill and Kevin!

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Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives? By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Crown, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

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The New Ferrari

This is what it looks like:




And this is what it does:

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Optical Illusions

Below is a link to a collection of optical illusions. Files was checked for viruses and it is safe.

http://www.box.net/shared/1mzt6hf34s

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What Is This?

M R DUCS
M R NOT
S A R! C M EB BD WEB FET?
L I B, M R DUCS

Can you guess what the above is?

Give up?

It's a Redneck Conversation. Allow me to translate into English:

Redneck One: Them are ducks.
Redneck Two: Them are not!
Redneck One: Yes they are! See them itty-bitty web feet?
Redneck Two: Well I'll be! Them are ducks!

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Harmless Lizard vs. News Reporter

(It is 11pm and I am laying in bed watching this video and laughing so loud my wife is yelling at me. So, I had to post it)

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Toilet Paper Trick

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”

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Inexperienced Chili Tester

Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the Last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:
_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
_____________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
___________________________________________________

CHILI #8 MARY'S MAGNIFICENT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

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Why Sex Before Marriage Is Important

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The Perfect Day (Might be NSFW because of language)

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For Sale

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John's New Pet

John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug),

which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box,

and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?'

Silence; there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again,

'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?'

Again there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,

'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?

A little voice came out of the box:

I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f$%king shoes on!

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Kid Pool Hustler

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Send Your Name To Mars

In case you haven't heard, NASA is sending a microchip on the Mars Science Laboratory rover heading to Mars in 2011! The links is below so you can fill out the form and send your name to Mars!

http://marsprogram.jpl.nasa.gov/msl/participate/sendyourname/

Here is what I filled out. Do you think I'm safe from an alien attack?

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How The Stimulus Plan Works

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700". The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

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The Marriage Race

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Awkward Family Photos: Seriously, WTF Is That On The Far Right?

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I'm Broke

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a few minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!, I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f**cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?'

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The Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, An old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

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The Mountains

Move your cursor right and left on the screen on this site, and you will have the impression you are flying over mountains in the winter. Bring your own 'Just-in-Case paper bag.' Enjoy your flight.

http://www.electricoyster.com/electric3d/index.html

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A Candy Bar Story

(I hope you all appreciate this joke. It took me over an hour to post it right -Charles)

One , wanted to . So he took Miss to a and then to the Motel on to show her some . He began to feel her that were pure . It made her , and made him want to . He thought "This is !" He let out a as his went up her and caused a . She screamed '', as she grabbed his and squeezed. Miss said; 'Your are even better than the '. To which replied; 'When you're this size they call you . Now and we"ll have some again'.

Soon she was a bit and nine months later she had a .

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Medical Warning

Looks Good, right???






DO YOU EAT HERSHEY CHOCOLATE?

We were raised on HERSHEY chocolate as kids and even into adulthood. I will never eat it again. I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any . It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.

This is what happens when you eat HERSHEY chocolate!

THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING!!

It could happen to you, your family and friends!!



HERSHEY Chocolate can cause SMALL FEET!!

Warn everyone abut the Small Feet Syndrome!!

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Check Up

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and is then sent to a Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the doctor is a very attractive young female Urologist.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99!"

The doctor says, "Great! Now turn over onto your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99"

Again, the guy says "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, .I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis. Now... Take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy begins, "One...Two...Three..."

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Cool Pool Trick Shot

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A Little Religious Humor

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor crea ture?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

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Ooops

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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Golf

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New York fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'!!!

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Excuse me, Sir! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honor of these brave souls'!!

The Italian from New York said, 'Why The Fuck can't they play at night?

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What Does A Muslim Pussy Look Like?

GOTCHA! What were YOU thinking?

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Happy July 4th

Make sure to watch some fireworks tonight!

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How To Call The Police

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me..

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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Why Jay Leno Needs A Bodyguard

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Cop Humor

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

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Very Long Snake

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How Far Will A Condom Stretch

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People Who Can't Drown

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