 | This website is dedicated to my little dog, Cara. Click to view her story. I miss you very much little girl. |
 | Help save abandoned Cats and Dogs. The Cat House on the Kings needs your support. Click here to view a video on them and then donate to their cause! |
I wonder if the Autobots have this kind of furniture in their homes.
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Square Watermelons A round watermelon can take up a lot of room in a refrigerator and the usually round fruit often sits awkwardly on refrigerator shelves. Smart Japanese Farmers have forced their watermelons to grow into a square shape by inserting the melons into square, tempered glass cases while the fruit is still growing on the vine.
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Been getting a lot of pet videos lately. This one is cute.
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This dog is going to kill himself one day.
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in' number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
I feel much better. Anger management really works.
ews crew.
I feel much better. Anger management really works.
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My brother, Tony, emailed a link to this kid's site called The Angry Video Game Nerd. Basically, the kid plays a bunch of crappy old Nintendo, Atari and Sega games and then makes a video review of the game. Needless to say, he uses some really vulger language and audlt humor, but it is funny as heck. If you played some of these games, you will get a good laugh at this videos. Click the link below to visit the site.
http://cinemassacre.com/AVGN/Nes_Nerd_videos.html
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This video is dedicated to my brother, Tony! I remember long ago he had the tape of this song and we laughed our asses off at it.
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A Powerpoint with a bunch of picks of people who drank a little too many. Some of these pictures are definately NOT SAFE FOR WORK, so be careful when viewing. Click the link below and yes the file has been scanned for viruses.
http://www.box.net/shared/fgn5sn3wcw
If you don't have PowerPoint, you can download the viewer here:
http://tinyurl.com/6b6g5
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You can find porn in the darnest places.
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THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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A man is driving along when he comes to a STOP sign. Instead of coming to a complete stop, he slow down to a crawl and then proceeds to drive right through it. A cop see this and pulls the man over.
"What seems to be the problem officer?" says the driver.
"Well, you didn't stop at that STOP sign back there" the officer replies.
"What's the difference if I slow down or stop!" the drives says.
"Well, why don't you get out of the car and I'll show you" says the officer.
As soon as the driver gets out of his car, the officer proceeds to beat him hard with his billy-club. As he continues he says to the driver, "Now, what would you like me to do? Slow down or STOP!"
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Never cheat on your wife!
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my ownfuneral...I'm a gynecologist."
Just then the proctologist fainted.
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It's not what you think. Watch all the way through. Very cool.
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Q: Hillary and Bill and Obama and Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry and Ted Kennedy were on a boat. The boat sank. Who was saved?
A: America
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Be the first on your block to own the new paperless toilet! 
One satisfied customer said she sat down, and was so delighted she didn't know whether she was coming or going!
(Thank you to Alan T. for submitting this junk mail)
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THERE IS NO NORTH AND SOUTH. IT'S 'UPTOWN' OR 'DOWNTOWN.' IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM NEW YORK, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPT OF WHERE NORTH AND SOUTH ARE...AND EAST OR WEST IS 'CROSS-TOWN.'
YOU'RE 35 YEARS OLD AND DON'T HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE.
YOU RIDE IN A SUBWAY CAR WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING JUST BECAUSE THERE ARE SEATS AVAILABLE.
YOU TAKE THE TRAIN HOME AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE ON THE PLATFORM THE DOORS WILL OPEN THAT WILL LEAVE YOU RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE EXIT STAIRWAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT A 'REGULAR' COFFEE IS.
IT'S NOT MANHATTAN...IT'S THE 'CITY.'
YOU CROSS THE STREET ANY WHERE BUT ON THE CORNERS AND YOU YELL AT CARS FOR NOT RESPECTING YOUR RIGHT TO DO IT.
YOU MOVE 3,000 MILES AWAY, SPEND 10 YEARS LEARNING THE LOCAL LANGUAGE AND PEOPLE
STILL KNOW YOU'RE FROM BROOKLYN, LONG ISLAND OR THE BRONX THE MINUTE YOU OPEN
YOUR MOUTH.
YOU RETURN AFTER 10 YEARS AND THE FIRST FOODS YOU WANT ARE A 'REAL' PIZZA AND A 'REAL' BAGEL.
YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ALL THE DIFFERENT RAY'S PIZZAS.
YOU ARE NOT UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT ANY HUMAN BEING WOULD BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND A P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE SUBWAY.
YOU WOULDN'T BOTHER ORDERING PIZZA IN ANY OTHER CITY.
YOU GET READY TO ORDER DINNER EVERY NIGHT AND MUST CHOOSE FROM THE MAJOR FOOD GROUPS WHICH ARE: CHINESE, ITALIAN, MEXICAN OR INDIAN.
YOU'RE NOT THE LEAST BIT INTERESTED IN GOING TO TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
YOUR INTERNAL C LOCK IS PERMANENTLY SET TO KNOW WHEN ALTERNATE SIDE OF THE STREET PARKING REGULATIONS IS IN EFFECT.
YOU KNOW WHAT A BODEGA IS.
SOMEONE BUMPS INTO YOU AND YOU CHECK FOR YOUR WALLET.
YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE LADY WALKING DOWN THE ROAD HAVING A PERFECTLY NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH HERSELF.
YOU PAY 'ONLY' $230 A MONTH TO PARK YOUR CAR.
YOU CRINGE AT HEARING PEOPLE PRONOUNCE HOUSTON ST. LIKE THE CITY IN TEXAS
THE PRESIDENTIAL VISIT IS A MAJOR TRAFFIC JAM, NOT AN HONOR.
YOU CAN NAP ON THE SUBWAY AND NEVER MISS YOUR STOP.
THE DELI GUY GIVES YOU A STRAW WITH ANY BEVERAGE YOU BUY, EVEN IF IT'S A BEER.
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'
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Several years ago this woman found a sick, malnourished lion cub in the jungle.
She took the cub home and fed him and brought him up until he was too big to keep anymore.
Then she made arrangements with a zoo in Colombia to take the lion.
Here's a video of what happened when she went to visit him in the zoo for the first time:
http://www.telestereo.com/Archivos/video.html
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You have to know this part of Brooklyn to appreciate this!
This house, located near the intersection of Ave T and Van Sicklen is believed to be Brooklyn's smallest house. Occupying what used to be a driveway, it's a one bedroom, one bathroom home that sits on a parcel of land 7.25 feet (2.2 meters) wide and 113.67 feet (34.6 meters) long and has an interior area of just under 300 square feet (under 28 square meters).
Here are the home's 'Listed Features':
* Completely redone top-to-bottom, front-to-back!
* Tumbled stone entrance walk
* Renovated Bath
* Renovated Kitchen with newer stove, new cabinets and new stacked washer/dryer
* Bedroom with Murphy Bed + 'Built-ins' ... (doubles as a den)!
* Walkout to fenced patio
* 100 Amp service
* 2 Satellite Dishes and Receiver
* Window Air Conditioner Available
THE PRICE???
You get all this for ONLY $179,900.00!
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A special "Thank You" goes out to Lindsey for sending me this junk mail! Don't forget to send your to me at myjunkmailblog@gmail.com.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless................
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Demand to be taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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Can you tell which is the real penny? Click the link below to test your knowledge.
http://www.exploratorium.edu/exhibits/common_cents/index.html
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My beautiful wife, Laura, subscribes to get My Junk Mail by email everyday. So, since today is our 1 year anniversary, I thought I would surprise her with a big HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! I love you honey!
Hey, if you have a special birthday, anniversary or announcement you would like me to post, send it to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com. Let me know the date and I'll make sure to post it for you. Please make sure to get that special someone to My Junk Mail on that day or have them subscribe to my email feed.
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Yeah, this about sums up the Presidential race.
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Poor doggy.
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Sometimes being a news reporter is dangerous. This is some funny stuff.
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The IRS decides to audit Boudreaux, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Boudreaux shows up with his attorney. The IRS had demanded $23,000 in taxes from Boudreaux due to unreported income.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Boudreaux. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Boudreaux says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'
Boudreaux removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Boudreaux says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousa nd dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
The auditor can tell Boudreaux isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Boudreaux removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Boudreaux's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Boudreaux asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Boudreaux stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Boudreaux's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Boudreaux told me he'd been summoned to appear in person before the IRS, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
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A special Thanks! goes to Doc for sending me this email. Remember, send me your junk mail and I will post it to the My Junk Mail blog. Send it to myjunkmailblog@gmail.com.
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